The lie of shame is that I need to do everything possible to hide. I need to do everything possible to prevent people from really knowing me. The truth is God really delights in you and he’s the one who does see everything. He sees everything and he wants you to change, but he loves you fully just the way you are. He doesn’t want you to stay where you are, but he loves you as you are because you are made in his image.

The author of Fighting Shadows uses the illustration of Spiderman. Spiderman gets taken over by a symbiote called “Venom” and it acts like shame. Shame needs to live off a host and in this clip Venom takes over Spiderman. Spiderman feels shame for not intersecting the murder of his uncle. It sits in his soul and you’ll see the opening for shame (or “Venom”) to take over his life.

It’s a great illustration. A lot of time shame starts with, “I’ve done something wrong and I feel guilty,” but then it morphs into “there’s something wrong with me.” It’s moved inside to, “Now I’m wrong.” When you don’t have a way to wrestle that through, it takes over your life. You used to be a certain kind of way, but shame turned you into another kind of figure.

The first time I remember feeling shame I was 10 or 11 years old and playing baseball. I was terrified about being hit by a little white ball thrown by an erratic 11 year old. Every time I was up at the plate, as he started pitching, I started backing up from the plate. Therefore I struck out a lot and was known as an “easy out.” This happened regularly and I remember after one game my mother said, “I was embarrassed to watch you today.” Now I love my mother and I think she was nearly perfect, but she was just off on this one for an 11 year old. That was a shame spiggot, like a fire hose.

It’s important when you feel shame to try to peel that back and ask why? Why did that event cause me to feel shame? How did I react to that feeling? Well, I never played baseball again after that year. I wanted to stay in the lane where Paul Phillips looked good, or at least wasn’t noticed. That’s better than being where everyone noticed something was wrong with me.

Shame sucks the life out of you. It transforms you into somebody different.

The beginning of shame is Genesis 3. Adam and Eve thought they were smarter than God, they preferred to be in control, they thought there were good things that God was withholding from them. They wanted to be like God. What they got was guilt and shame! They didn’t become like God, instead they were exposed as fools. Once they were exposed, they tried to cover themselves from each other. Once exposed, they tried to hide themselves from God.

That covering and hiding has never stopped. Why do some of us work so hard? There are lots of reasons for it, but part of it is shame. I need to be seen as someone who is making something happen, who is progressing, who is growing, who is making more money. Why is it that some people can’t say “No”? You do whatever it takes to make sure no one is unhappy because you are a people pleaser. You take all the arrows as long as everyone is happy.

Why do some of you need to blame someone for everything that happens in your life? “I wouldn’t be here if my parents hadn’t… ” or “…if God hadn’t.” Or if a political party had won, or if I’d gotten that job. It’s never them, it’s always circumstances or a person. What’s behind that? Shame. Hiding. I can’t be the person at fault. There is blame shifting because there is shame.

Why are people perfectionists or control freaks or anxiously religious, trying to check all the boxes? Religion is checking the boxes so God thinks I’m good. That is not the gospel, but that is how a lot of people live.

What causes people to post something on Instagram about yourself and then constantly check your post about yourself to see how many people “liked” it? It’s part of shame. I’m projecting something that I want to make sure everyone knows about. A certain number of likes gives me the feeling that I’m worthwhile, that my life means something.

Why is it that holding onto your youth, or at least youthful looks, is the goal? You turn 60 and everyone says, “60 is the new 40.” You don’t have to wake up and think about it, it’s just the way we operate. Shame overtakes us and it’s really important not to look old.

The book suggests there are two primary false solutions when it comes to dealing with shame.

1. Religion: You try to clean yourself up by treating your shame like a debt you can repay through religious means: sacrifice, penance, giving, going to church. These might all be good things but they don’t take away shame. One thing Adam and Eve had to learn, and we do as well, is that shame always requires outside help for healing. Most men get stuck in the misguided belief that we can get out of shame by ourselves. That is not true.
2. Distration: Distraction invites you to numb your feelings of shame. Shame creates pain so we create our own ways of medicating through work, wealth, food, alcohol, porn, blaming others. Anything that provides temporary relief.

So what is the right tool for fighting shame? The book says, “shame always requires outside help for healing.” Whenever you feel shame, you need to recognize that you can’t get out of it yourself. If you’re in a hole, the first thing you need to do is stop digging. The tool to get out of shame is to expose it, to bring this feeling or event out into the light. First, the light of the Lord and secondly the light of other people.

There’s a Gospel Coalition article that says, “the impulse of shame is to withdraw and hide.” There must have been something special about the way Jesus met people, because all those who were the outcasts of society – unwanted, wrong and shameful – were crowding around him!” Dane Ortlund writes in Gentle and Lowly,

That God is rich in mercy means your regions of deepest shame and regret are not hotels through which divine mercy passes, but homes in which divine mercy abides. It means the things about you that make you cringe most, make him hug hardest. It means our haunting shame is not a problem for him, but the very thing he loves most to work with. It means our sins do not cause his love to take a hit. Our sins cause his love to surge forward all the more.

Your shame causes God’s love to surge forward, not wince with regret!

There are several encounters with shame in the Bible. Let’s look at Peter and Judas. Peter and Judas are on a parallel track at the end of Jesus’ life. They’re both on the inside, in the inner circle. They’ve both seen and done incredible things. But sin overtakes them and both feel a sense of guilt and shame. They try to hide. Judas tries to hide in a kind of religious penance by giving the Pharisees the 30 pieces of silver back. Peter tries to hide by walking away into a dark night weeping after denying Jesus three times.

In the end, Judas tries to get rid of the shame himself by killing himself. In John 21, the disciples are out fishing and Jesus is on the shore when they recognize him. What would you do if you were Peter? If you didn’t trust in Jesus’ mercy, you’d probably want to row the other way. Peter jumps in, clothes and all, to swim toward Jesus because he knows something about Jesus’ mercy. He’s probably terrified about the conversation, but the mercy of Jesus overwhelms his own shame and he knows that his only way out is to bring it to Jesus. There’s no way he can deal with it himself. Jesus, in his great mercy, walks down the beach with Peter and asks him three times, “Do you love me?” Jesus wants Peter to know that he sees his shame and he’s still right next to him, he’ll never leave him or forsake him.

Let’s go back to Peter Parker. At the very end of the movie, he’s trying to get rid of shame. What causes Venom to lose his power over Spiderman is vibration. He can’t take it off himself and he goes into a church where a church bell vibrates and gives him a chance to be released from shame.

The gospel is the outside vibration that comes in and provides a real way of escape, of getting back to who you were designed to be.

Questions: 

1. Think about a time where you felt shame take you over. If you are brave you can mention the story. More importantly, why did you feel shame? What got exposed? How did you try to cover and hide?
2. What’s the hardest part about bringing your shame out into the light? What do you think Jesus’ reaction is to your shame? Why?
3. What do you learn about shame, it’s affects and solution, from Peter and Judas?

Iron Leadership Materials: 

• The Daily Office 10-25-24
• IL Handout – 10-25-24