(Audio Transcript Below)

I don’t know why this is, but dogs can feel shame.

We’ll talk about five signals of shame and this dog has picked up on one, blame shifting! One signal that shame is operational in your life is if you’re blame shifting. The book talks about shame this way: the lie that we buy into is, “I need to do everything possible to prevent people from seeing my failures and weakness.” So we walk in here this morning and we’re starting to cover ourselves. It’s natural, you don’t even think about it, it just happens. You come to church and it happens; you go into the office and it happens. The truth is, God actually delights in you and is coming toward you for good. He’s coming toward you for restoration, not condemnation. God delights in you even though you’re not perfect. Having that knowledge helps us begin to take the leaves off when we’re talking and interfacing with each other.

Shame defined by the dictionary is a “painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consequences of wrong or foolish behavior; feeling exposed.”

This morning I want us to think through three stories in the Bible dealing with shame and we will notice the same pattern in each.

1. Genesis 3: Adam and Eve

Genesis 3 is the beginning of shame. Before looking at that, it’s important to rewind the story just one verse and read the final verse in Chapter 2 when everything was perfect.

And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. Genesis 2:25

This is the conclusion of the first wedding ceremony. God has just walked Eve down the aisle and officiates the first wedding. It ends with God, Adam and Eve all standing before each other. The writer could have chosen dozens of ways to describe this moment – they were happy, satisfied, excited, complete. Yet, he chooses to describe them as “naked and unashamed.” That’s very important to notice and it means they were fully transparent and fully vulnerable. The best way to live with each other and with God is fully transparent and fully vulnerable. If you’re fully transparent, you’re not trying to hide anything. If you’re fully vulnerable, you are dependent on each other. Adam needs Eve and he needs God. Adam is not trying to say he’s the self-sufficient man. That sort of bravado is hiding.

In Genesis 3, sin and shame enter the world and the hiding and disintegration begin. I find it fascinating that the first crack in this perfect world began with the question, “Did God really say?” Satan uses the question as an invitation to question God’s goodness. You can feel that crack in your own life. Is God really good? Is he holding out? Is there something that he doesn’t want for me? And then, it’s an invitation to question yourself. “You should be like God.” Satan is attacking both relationships. There’s something wrong with you; you’re incomplete, and God is holding out on you in some way. One verse before, nothing was missing and now Satan enters in to say something is missing. That question rolls around in everybody’s head all the time, “There’s something missing in you, there’s something lacking in you.”

One signal of shame is blame shifting. Another signal of shame is questions that constantly roll through your mind. The more they roll through your mind, the more you’re trying to figure out how to hide. Questions like, “Did my Dad really love me? Am I really good enough for my wife, my kids, my friends, my boss? Does God notice or care about me?”

When these questions roll through your mind, that’s a signal you’re wrestling with shame in some way. We all have this, they roll through our minds all the time. As a pastor, I get inundated with these questions every Sunday. “Was this good enough? Was that too long? Did I answer that question the right way? Was that funny?” Behind all those questions is the question, “Am I looking good to you?” I don’t want to be fully transparent. I want to make sure you think something of me that maybe isn’t true.

Notice a pattern that starts here and travels all the way through the Bible.

1. Isolation: Satan separates Eve from Adam. They get isolated from each other. It’s not good for Adam or Eve to be alone. They take the bait and the second thing that happens is…
2. Disintegration: In Chapter 2, they were completely integrated. Now they step into Chapter 3 and they get disintegrated. It’s as if they were standing in front of a mirror seeing the image of Adam and Eve and God and a rock gets thrown at the mirror and it shatters. They get disintegrated from themselves, from each other and from God. I look at myself now and say, “I’m missing something. I’ve got to cover up.” I look at you and I think you’re missing something. Then I look at God and realize he sees it, and like the dog, I’ve got to run away and find a place to hide.
3. God comes looking for them: When they got disintegrated, they started narrating a new story about God. In Genesis 2, there’s no problem with God. But now, in Chapter 3 verse 8, God comes walking into the garden and they have a new story. What’s the story? He’s coming to condemn me. I’ve got a new story that God isn’t good. That if he sees me he won’t like me. If he knows who I am, he will condemn me. Everybody has some story about God. They didn’t see God coming for restoration, but only condemnation.

That’s another signal of shame: How do you think about God? If you are fully vulnerable and transparent with God, do you think he would be condemning or coming for restoration? 

2. II Samuel 11: King David and Bathsheba

When you read through II Samuel chapters 5-10, everything is going well for David. He’s been annointed king, God makes a covenant with David and he has experienced military victory. At the very end of Chapter 10 verse 19 “all the kings who were servants of the surrounding areas saw that they had been defeated by Israel, and they made peace with Israel and became subject to them.” This is Genesis chapter 2 all over again. David is where he was meant to be, doing what God wants him to do, he’s in the right spot. Then Chapter 11 comes and it’s like Genesis 3. Satan comes in, a “Goliath” of lust that David can’t defeat. Notice the pattern…

1. Isolation: II Samuel Chapter 11, “In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle,” David remained in Jerusalem. Everyone goes to work, but David stays behind. He’s now isolated.
2. Disintegration: David gets isolated and in II Samuel chapter 11, the dominoes fall quickly. “It happened, late one afternoon, when David arose from his couch.” He’s in a comfortable place, he’s bored, he’s isolated. “He saw from the roof a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful. And David…” What should David do right now? Run away, jump in an ice cold pool, find a friend. There’s 10,000 things he should do and instead “David sent and inquired about the woman. Isn’t this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?” She turns out to be the granddaughter of David’s pastor. “So David sent messengers and took her, and she came to him, and he lay with her. Then she returned to her house. And the woman conceived, and she sent and told David, “I am pregnant.” Boom, boom, boom. And David gets disintegrated. He calls the husband back, kills the husband, involves other people, pretends like it never happened, marries Bathsheba, thinks that nobody is noticing. David uses his body as a weapon. He destroys somebody else, emotionally, relationally. Then he destroys physically another man. He’s disintegrated in his horizontal relationships, with Bathsheba, with Uriah, with his pastor. He’s disintegrated from God. He pretends as if he can sweep it all under the rug and no one will notice. Except that God notices. And God comes for him in the chapter 12 in the person of a guy named Nathan.
3. God comes looking for him: David couldn’t imagine God seeing his sin and coming for him in restoration, only in condemnation, so David hides. Nathan comes to David and shares a story about a rich man who stole the only lamb a poor man had. Nathan asks David, “What should be done to this rich man?” David responds, “he should be killed.” Here’s a signal of shame: condemnation of others. You have something hiding in you, so you are quick to critique, criticize and condemn others.

Is this you in your marriage? I want to make sure I shine the spotlight on you to make sure it doesn’t come back on me. That’s shame. Do you feel that when you walk into your boss’ office? Do you feel a criticism coming on? That’s a signal of shame. David’s condemnation of the rich man exposes his shame. Nathan tells him, “you’re the man.” But God comes for David, not for his condemnation, but for restoration. There’s no way for David to get out of the shadow, he’s bought into the lie. If someone doesn’t come from the outside and help him, there’s no way he can help himself. So God comes for restoration.

3. John 4: Jesus and the woman at the well

Jesus is walking from Jerusalem to Galilee and has to pass through Samaria, an area of people hated by the Jews. Jesus has a one on one conversation with a Samaritan woman at the well. We don’t know how her story began, maybe she was promiscuous and looking for love in all the wrong places. Perhaps, but more likely she was abused and discarded over and over. Whatever the reason, we know the consequences.

1. Isolation: She shows up at the well in the middle of the day because that’s the least busy time of day. She doesn’t come in the cool of the day with everyone else. There’s something wrong relationally in her world because women would typically travel together for safety and other reasons. But she’s by herself.
2. Disintegration: She’s disintegrated on a number of levels. She’s living in a disintegrated world where there are divisions between Jew and Samaritans, men and women. She’s disintegrated from her body. It’s become an object of abuse. She’s disintegrated from relationships – from husbands and community.
3. Jesus comes looking for her: Jesus is on assignment to expose her shame. He takes the fig leaves of her hiding off. She knows she’s been exposed and she tries to hide by shifting topics. She can’t imagine that the messiah would be coming to her for good, she can only imagine he’s coming towards her with condemnation. In the course of the conversation, she discovers that Jesus is the Messiah and that he’s safe. It’s a big piece of the story. You know she discovers that because at the very end of the story, she goes back to the town and she says, “Come and see the man who told me all that I ever did.” I was with God and he saw everything that I ever did, and he’s worth finding. He’s not trying to condemn, he’s trying to restore.

Questions: 

1. 5 Signals of Shame: Pick one and tell how it operates in your life most often.
2. The Pattern: Isolation – the enemy uses your isolation to weave lies into the story you tell yourself about: Yourself, others and God. Disintegration – with your body, with others and with God. God is coming for you – for restoration, not condemnation. How have you seen this pattern happen? What are you afraid of? Where are you disintegrated right now?
3. What’s the most difficult challenge for you in being transparent and vulnerable?

Iron Leadership Material:

• IL Handout – 11-8-24
• The Daily Office 11-8-24