Loneliness

Loneliness

(Audio transcription below)

Because we are separated from God, what was right now seems wrong. The deceptive thing about sin is that you can’t see it clearly. We see a problem and so often misdiagnose the solution. We lie to ourselves more than we lie to anybody else. We deceive ourselves.

Our topic this week and next week is loneliness. The lie we believe is that loneliness is part of being a man. It’s almost like a badge. I can do it on my own. The truth is we’re not built to be alone, but we’re built to have friendships. Friendship is a superpower.

It’s important and interesting that the very first thing in the Bible that is said to be “not good” is loneliness. So we know right from the beginning that when men/people are alone, it’s not good for them. God was not alone. He comes from a relational background, that’s one of the reasons the trinity is so important. God is a relational God, he’s relational in his own being and he’s meant for us to be relational people. God’s solution in Genesis is to create Eve and marriage. However, the biblical solution to loneliness is not only found in marriage (Jesus wasn’t married, but wasn’t alone), but is also found in meaningful friendships.

Here’s some bonus material if you’re married! It’s a tip you can take home.

In the book Fighting Shadows, one of the authors, Jeff, is in a funk and his wife asked him, “When was the last time you felt genuinely full and alive and joyful?” His answer was when he was in college because he was surrounded by friends and it felt like he had emotional availability for other people. There was comfort and safety in those relationships.

We can easily measure someone’s physical fitness or financial fitness, but what about your social fitness. We’re not all going to be extroverts or introverts, but you know that you’re not meant to be alone and it’s something you can work on. Otherwise, you get in this funk like Jeff and you don’t realize what’s going.The social fitness score can help you diagnose where you are.

The book talks about three key factors in making strong friendships.

  1. Proximity: Being near each other. Near enough for…
  2. Unplanned Interactions: Being together without a calendar invite needed
  3. Vulnerability: You can ask a question like, “When was the last time you felt fully alive?” or “Tell me about your soul?”

We need to have relationships where we get past the surface. Some people need one, some people need five. But it needs to be the number that prevents loneliness for you.

One of the things mentioned in the book is “mastering the art of the hang.” Guys understand this when I mention campfires. You sit around and you do nothing. There’s something about a campfire that itself is mesmerizing and then you start asking questions. What we don’t see in the Bible, but it’s there, is how much hang time Jesus had with his disciples. One example is from John 4 when Jesus and his disciples are in Capernaum. They have to travel to Jerusalem and back, that’s 125 miles of walking. How long would it take 13 guys to walk that long? Four or five days? That’s a lot of hang time. It would be like me saying, “let’s walk to Raleigh and back this weekend?” There’s a lot of space for good things to happen in those moments.

Think about Peter. Peter was the leader of the disciples and that also caused him problems. He was always the first one to open his mouth and many times that got him in trouble. He was the one who said, “if everybody else leaves  you Lord, I’m not going to leave.” But he ends up leaving in the most terrible and dramatic way and denying Jesus. Then he has a restoration in John 21 and the next time we see him is in Acts 2. In that passage, the Holy Spirit falls on the disciples in a festival called Pentecost where people from lots of tribes and tongues are gathered in Jerusalem. All these languages are coming to the city and the Holy Spirit falls on the 12 disciples and they start speaking languages of the world that are not known to them. People think “this is crazy,” and some assume they’ve been drinking. There is a huge crowd and a lot of pressure to stop doing what they’re doing. The authorities come in and start putting pressure on the disciples. The last time pressure was put on Peter was  by a teenage girl at a campfire and he didn’t do well. Now, there’s a big crowd and authorities putting pressure on him. One of the beautiful moments in the Bible is something you read by in Acts 2:14, “Peter, standing with the 11, began to teach.” When Peter was isolated, he didn’t do well. But when Peter was surrounded by a group of friends, he could stand up to a whole army. It’s important to see how Peter is fueled by these friendships that he has. It turns out to be a superpower.

Questions:

  1. When was the last time you felt genuinely full, alive and joyful?
  2. Discuss your Social Fitness Test Score – what did it point out that you agree needs attention? Do you have a group of men you can do “hang time” with?
  3. Hang time questions:
    1. If you had to choose just one sport you could watch for the rest of your life, what would it be? Why?
    2. Name one of the easiest/best years of your life? Name one of the hardest? Why?
    3. What’s one mistake you will never make again?

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