Loneliness #2
(Audio transcription below)
Last time I mentioned that the very first thing in the Bible that is said to be “not good” is loneliness. Genesis 2:18 says “it’s not good that man should be alone.” The lie is that loneliness is part of being a man. The truth is that friendship is a superpower.
When you’re in a war, you go through a lot of intense things in a short period of time and create friendships that you wouldn’t create in a long period of time outside of war. Two guys in the series The Band of Brothers, Dick Winters and Lewis Nixon, have a great relationship. They go through all the emotions and they stay together. They need one another. This is a good picture of two guys being friends.
These two guys probably wouldn’t have been friends if they hadn’t been fighting together. My hope is that you have someone like that, just when regular days are happening. You are beside each other, experiencing life together and when you have hard times you’ve got somebody there. One of the pieces I appreciate most is when Winter has to tell his friend Nixon that he’s been demoted. You see him have to salute his friend. Sometimes guys can’t get by that. Something like that happens and friendship dissipates. This kind of friendship takes effort, it’s not something that just happens.
The book of Proverbs is a book about wisdom and it talks a lot about friendship. One of the things it tells us is we cannot lead a wise life unless we are good at choosing, forging and maintaining friendships. Dave Ramsey, a financial expert, says this about your salary, “Your income will be within 10% of the average income of your 10 closest friends.” Some of you are thinking, I need some new friends. I want to tweak his statement: “Your spiritual wealth and wisdom will be within 10% of your 10 closest friends.” This is just restating Proverbs 13:20: “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” In other words, you become like who you surround yourself with. Your choice of friends is critical in your life.
Friendship in the book of Proverbs is talked about under 3 headings:
- Consistency – proximity, the person who is going through the every day battle with you
- Counsel – transparency, you’re not trying to be someone’s counselor but you’re giving advice and help when needed
- Care – friendships are more fragile than we might think
Consistency
Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity.” A brother is stuck with you, he has to help you out. That’s family obligation. You don’t get to choose your family and in times of adversity, family usually comes to help. But a friend chooses you and they are there “at all times.” In the good times, the mundane times, the painful times. When someone sticks with you because they want to, not because they have to, then you have a valuable friend.
One of the best friendships in the Bible is David and Jonathan. Saul was the first king of Israel and Jonathan was his first born son, so Jonathan was in line to be the next king. Jonathan has quite an impressive resume – with just his armor bearer, he defeated 20 Philistine soldiers which leads to an even greater victory in battle for Israel. But then in Chapter 17, David comes along and takes down Goliath. Following the victory, David, not Jonathan, was hailed as the next savior of Israel. What would you expect? Rivalry, bitterness, envy? Instead a remarkable unity and friendship develops.
As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father’s house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor and even his sword and his bow and his belt. And David went out and was successful wherever Saul sent him. 1 Samuel 18:1-5a
Jonathan does the opposite of what’s expected. He strips himself of his robe and weapons and gives them to David, saying “You are my friend, whatever I have is yours. I will give you the shirt off my back.” David gets the position Jonathan always wanted and Jonathan is happy to help his friend. What an incredible sacrifice and display of faithful friendship. How about you? What’s your reaction when your friend gets something you have been wanting? Is your reaction bitterness, jealousy, anger? Or can you celebrate with them and say, “I will do anything to help.” That’s true friendship! That’s one soul being knitted together with another.
Proverbs 20:6 says, “A faithful friend who can find?” Do you have a friend like that? Are you a friend like that? You cannot lead a wise and healthy life without a few faithful, constant friends.
Counsel
Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. Proverbs 27:5-6
You must have friends with the courage to give good counsel if you want to lead a wise life. If you are fortunate enough to have a friend with the courage to confront you with your flaws, then you need to thank them for loving you so much. Friendship requires both receiving and delivering this kind of painful feedback. This kind of feedback is required if we want to live a wise and healthy life.
Many years ago, one of my best friends asked me to be his best man in his wedding. As I got to see his relationship with his fiance, I thought it was unhealthy, potentially toxic. I will never forget sitting at a restaurant telling him I didn’t think this was the person he should marry. He was my friend, so I risked telling him what I thought. He knew I was his friend and that my wounds could be trusted and he didn’t marry her.
A real friendship creates some transparency. When I was starting out with Young Life, I was speaking for the first time at Windy Gap to 400 high school students. My YL mentor was there that weekend and I asked for feedback about my talks after the weekend. One week later, he sent me a two page letter that had one paragraph of compliments and a page and a half of correction. That’s how you get better. You invite someone you trust, a friend, to give you feedback and you’re open to it even if it’s painful.
I hope you’re not the person like this. They’re the kind of person that no matter what you say, they already have the response formulated. You need someone to say, “shut your pie hole!” You think you know everything, but you don’t know everything. It’s hard to be friends with someone like that.
A wise son hears his father’s instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke. Proverbs 13:1
Judging whether you’re a good friend, ask if you’re a good listener? A scoffer is someone who is always defending themselves before you are done with your assessment. Are you open to a wounding assessment of your character or do you start defending yourself before assessment is done?
Care
Because real friendships are rare and valuable, you must make sacrifices to take care of them. One of my favorite scenes in the Bible is from 1 Samuel 23. Jonathan senses David is in trouble. Saul is methodically tracking David. Like the tightening of a noose, Saul is closing in on David to put him to death. David is not only living in the wilderness physically, but David is in the wilderness emotionally. David is wondering if God forgot his plans for him to be King. God where are you?? It’s at this point that Jonathan seeks out David to strengthen David’s hand in God, to remind him of the promise of God. That’s what it means to be a friend. Somebody’s hands are failing. Jonathan sees David’s grip beginning to slip so he comes in to re-establish his grip, his hope in God.
Over the past 18 years, I have developed a great friendship with Pastor Rob Campbell. It began by me taking the initiative, most friendships start by someone taking the initiative. In the beginning, Rob was willing to respond to my phone calls and willing to eat lunch together, but it took some time to build trust. A couple of years into our relationship, I was going through a particularly difficult time. He would call and I wouldn’t respond. Rob must have sensed a problem, so like Jonathan did for David, he dropped by the church unannounced. He was concerned and wanted to come and “strengthen my hand in God.” When he left, I remember standing at the door and thinking, today – I know we are friends! That’s the sign, he’s making the effort to care for me.
Questions:
- Proverbs 20:6 says, “A faithful friend who can find?” Can you name one friend who has been faithful to help you in your walk with the Lord and in your life? What did they do that was most impactful?
- Talk about your reaction to “receiving wounds from a friend” and “delivering wounds to a friend.” Do you have friendships like this?
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