(Discussion notes below)

Good morning – if you’re visiting or you go to another church – my name is Matt McFarling – assistant pastor here at CCC.

Paul asked me to pick up this meeting where we left off last meeting – the topic of Lust – pt. 2. Our discussions are based on Fighting Shadows, and the chapter on Lust is chapter 5.

I don’t know if Paul knew this about me when he asked me, but this discussion is a sobering one for me, because for years as a young Christian, lust and pornography were the reoccurring chink in my armor. We just had a “Prayer Jar” service here at CCC. And for years as a college student here, my prayer card, year after year, was “I want to be free from this.”

Most of what I’m saying today, I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self. And yet, at the same time, these are things that I still need to hear.

Praise God, that by his grace he’s brought me to a place where I feel free from pornography. My mind is not dominated by those images anymore…my heart is not dominated by those desires anymore…my habits are not dominated by those practices anymore. And yet, I would be foolish and misleading if I said “this isn’t something I have to be on guard about.” I would be lying if I said a lustful thought never entered my head or a lustful desire never entered my heart.

There are stories of pastors and preachers who fail morally, and disqualify themselves with adultery, and every time another one happens, it haunts me.

In just a three-month span, 16 different pastors in the Dallas area were in the news connected to scandal. Most of the scandals, were sexual. Imagine what that does to that city…those churches…those families.

I hear stories like this…and I pray, “Lord, please never let that be me. Lord, help me do everything I can to safeguard my soul, my marriage, and my ministry.” But I would be foolish if said, “that will never be me.” I must fight every day. We must fight every day.

So this morning I speak to you as one who is not where he once was – PRAISE GOD – but I’m someone who is still on guard – still fighting in the trenches with you. A lot of this message contains what I found helpful to myself – so my prayer is that it would also be helpful to you.

Let’s start with a quick recap from last meeting:

We learned these key truths:

1. Sex is a good gift given by God.
2. Sexual immorality is destructive.

Sex is like fire. When fire is in the fireplace, it warms up the whole house, but when fire gets out of the fireplace, it burns down the house. The fireplace is the right context for the fire – when sex is in the right context (a marriage covenant between a man and a woman), the marriage is strengthened, the whole home is strengthened. But when sex gets out of the fireplace, when you have sex with yourself in masturbation, or when you have sex with someone who is not your wife, or someone who is not yet your wife, it wreaks havoc in the home. And, as we look at our culture, sexual immorality wreaks havoc on a society.

A big question that a lot of men ask is, “what about masturbation?” Some of you may be free from porn, but masturbation is still a struggle. You might be wondering, “If I’m not looking at anything…or if I’m thinking about my wife…is that ok?”

Honestly, I think its very simple. Sexual activity with anyone that is not your wife is sexual immorality.  Masturbation, by definition, is having sex with yourself. So, its having sex with someone who’s not your wife.

C.S. Lewis puts it well when he says,

For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another…and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides…[This harem] is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among these shadow brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification is ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself.

So, last time Paul discussed the destructive nature of lust, but today we ask, “what can we do about it?”

On page 98 of Fighting Shadows, authors Bethke and Tyson say, rather than asking, is what I am doing sinful? Or is what I am doing allowed? We need to ask:

• Who am I becoming by what I am doing?
• Who am I becoming by doing what I am doing with my sexuality?

We usually don’t plunge into grave sin all at once. It often starts with small compromises, compounding interest over time, distorting yourself into someone you thought you’d never be.

So men, who are we becoming this morning? If your last month in the realm of sexuality was put on repeat for the next year, what trajectory are you heading in? Who will you be by this time next year?

I believe this question of identity – “Who am I” is a key part of overcoming lust. So the main theme for us today is “Overcoming Lust with the Power of Identity”

The main idea for today is – “Knowing who you are (and whose you are) drives what you do.” And to know who we are, we’re going to ask a few questions.

1. Who am I created to be?

This isn’t from the book, but I think it’s a necessary point. For many of us, when we talk about lust, we start from the wrong place. Oftentimes we start with Genesis 3. Genesis 3 is about the fall, how sin entered the world. We start with the knowledge that I’m a sinner – that something’s wrong with me. And that makes sense because we’re so ashamed of our sexual sin.

If you are going to conquer sexual sin, you have to acknowledge Genesis 3, and you have to come to terms with the fact that you’re a sinner, but that’s not where you should start. That may sound provocative, but here is a pastor and author named Ray Ortlund talking about why he doesn’t start with sin when he talks about lust. (This is on a podcast with Preston and Jackie Hill-Perry; I recommend 8:37-12:21 of the video)

We have to start with Genesis 1 and 2. You are a man created in the image of God – you were created to reflect God’s glory to the world. God created you with dignity, value, and a purpose. If you don’t believe that, then your fight against sin will feel pointless and impossible.

So, believe that God created you in his image with dignity and honor. But don’t forget, that woman you are lusting after, or the woman you are watching online, she is also created in his image with dignity and honor. As Ray Ortlund said, “that woman is dear to the heart of God. And perhaps no one has ever told her that.” She’s someone’s daughter. But when we lust after her, we’re making her a slave to our own desires. Do you see how lust is hurting you? Do you see how lust is hurting the girl? You both were created for so much more.

2. Who am I saved to be?

If you’ve placed your faith in Jesus, not only are your sins forgiven, but you have a new identity in Christ. Some of us, we just feel like forgiven failures. But the Bible doesn’t speak about you that way. Here is how the Bible defines a Christian – and this is all just from Romans chapter 8:

1. “In Christ” – I am united to Jesus
   Romans 8:1 – ¹There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
2. “In the Spirit” – The Holy Spirit lives in me
   Romans 8:9 – ⁹You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit
3. “sons of God”
   Romans 8:14 – ¹⁴For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.
4. “children of God”
   Romans 8:16 – ¹⁶The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God,
5. “co-heirs with Christ Jesus”
   Romans 8:17 – ¹⁷and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.
6. “saints”
   This is not a special class of Christians (sorry, Roman Catholics), but a word used to describe all Christians. The word saint means “Holy one” or “called one.”
7. “called”
8. “predestined”
9. “brothers [of Christ]”
10. “Justified”
11. “glorified” (will be, but its certain)
12. “elect”
13. “more than conquerors through him who loved us”

The implication is this: being a sinner is not a part of your identity anymore, so stop thinking with that mindset. Do you still sin? Yes! But it doesn’t define who you are. You are a saint in Christ Jesus. You are Holy in Christ. You are called by God. Do you still wrestle with sin? Yes! But your identity, is not as a sinner.

In Christ, you are no longer a sinner. Instead, you are called to be a Spirit-filled sin-killer.

For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. Romans 8:13

“Be Killing Sin, or it will be killing you.” John Owen

By the Holy Spirit, we are equipped to kill our sin. And throughout the New Testament, whenever a list of sins to put to death is listed, the one that shows up at the top is almost always sexual immorality.

So, in the first century, and in the 21^st century, one of the most tempting and destructive sins is sexual immorality.

So, how do we kill it? I’m preaching an entire sermon on killing sin this Sunday, so I will go more in depth there, but for right now, I want you to think about the armor of God from Ephesians 6. The armor of God has plenty of defensive pieces – like the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation – but what is the one offensive weapon we have?

…and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, Ephesians 6:17

God’s word is our primary offensive weapon against sin, and especially lust. When Jesus was tempted in the wilderness, what was his response every time? Scripture. “It is written.”

I like to say, God has called us to be “Swordsmen”

Wielding a sword takes skill. It takes practice and dedication. Watch this clip from Cold Steel (I recommend 0:00 – 1:39. Warning, it’s not for the faint of heart).

None of these guys just woke up one day and were skilled with the sword. They had to practice. They had to cultivate discipline and dedicate themselves to master this weapon. So, how are your sword skills? Are you digesting God’s word? Have you ever memorized portions of God’s word? If you are not regularly in God’s word, you are unprepared for the fight.

This is where Scripture memory is especially helpful.

Psalm 119:11 – I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.

I had a seminary professor who taught counseling and he’d ask, “in the counseling room, how thick is your Bible?” Meaning, “how familiar are you with its contents?” Do you know the weapons that are at your disposal? Do you know how to use them?

Men – God has saved you to be a Spirit-filled killing machine. Dedicate yourself to training with the sword.

3. Who am I really craving?

We lust because we have unmet desires. What is our ultimate desire when we lust? We desire pleasure. We desire acceptance. We desire adventure. And lust lets us down every time.

You have made us for yourself, O Lord. Our Hearts are restless until we find our rest in you.  – St. Augustine

God gave us sex ultimately as something that points us back to himself. Marriage between a husband and a wife is a picture of Christ and the Church. So sex is meant to be something that points to the pleasure of being with God in heaven. Satan loves to take God’s good gifts, and bastardize them.

Bethke and Tyson say,

Satan wants to blot out God with sex. He wants it to come between you and God so you can’t see anything else. He wants you to elevate women into idols and view sex as your path to salvation. Then he wants to break your heart and addict you to pleasure. Then you will never lift your eyes beyond sex to the God who created it, and you will hide in shame and struggle alone, fixed on your failure and regret.

We must rediscover that our quest for sex is ultimately not a quest for pleasure; it’s a quest for union, a quest for belonging, a disguised search for God.” (p.104-105)

That’s why G.K. Chesterton said, “Every man who knocks on the door of a brothel is looking for God.” (p. 100-101)

Beating lust (or any sin) does not come from mere suppression. The most important thing we must do to beat lust and sexual immorality is to create a new addiction – a new addiction to God himself.

So maybe you’re here and you’ve read books on quitting porn. You’ve listened to podcasts on quitting porn. You have an accountability partner to help you quit porn. But, are you filling your mind and your time with beholding the beauty of God? Are you surrounding yourself with people who love God?

During a 5 year span in college and right out of college, I lost 100 pounds. And one of the things that clicked for me during that time was, “eating healthier was not about eating less food, it was about eating more good food. Meat, fruits, vegetables, protein, fiber. Things that weren’t made in a factory. Because the more real food you eat, the less room you’ll have for junk. And so it is with lust. Fill your mind with God, become addicted to the beauty of God, and you’ll have less room for the filth of sexual immorality.

Finally – There is a packet printed out in the back full of practical resources you can dive into today. If you struggle with this, do not delay, get a packet, and use what is in it.

Here is what you’ll find in it:

1. An article by John Piper about a practical strategy for fighting lust.
2. Scripture Memory suggestions and an App called “Fighter Verses” designed to help you
3. An article by Covenant Eyes about what makes a good accountability partner.
4. A podcast Episodes by “The Perry’s” and Ray Ortlund about the satanic nature of porn.
5. Two different book recommendations.
6. And finally, two different support groups that you can go to find help.
   1. SAA – Sex Addicts Anonymous
   2. Samson Society – a more explicitly Christian version of SAA

Discussion Questions

1. In our fight against lust, we should start with the truth of Genesis 1 and 2 before we get to Genesis 3. Why did Matt (and Ray Ortlund) say this is so important?
2. “Our quest for sex is ultimately not a quest for pleasure; it’s a quest for union, a quest for belonging, a disguised search for God.” Have you ever considered this before? Does this ring true in your own experience?
3. Have you ever experienced positive progress in your fight against lust? How did this happen? If you could go back in time, would you do anything in your fight against lust differently?

Iron Leadership materials:

• The Daily Office
• IL Handout – 1-31-25